My ex won’t let me see my child. What can I do?

1. Try to reach an agreement, if it’s safe to do so

When you’re being stopped from seeing your child, it’s incredibly easy to become angry. Believe me, I know. But before firing off another furious WhatsApp, ask yourself what you’re actually trying to achieve.

If it’s safe and appropriate to communicate with your ex-partner, try to keep things calm, practical and focused on your child. Rather than arguing about everything that’s happened between you, concentrate on what arrangements might work. That could mean agreeing regular days together, school pickups, weekends, holidays or telephone and video calls. Where possible, put any proposed arrangements in writing so there’s less room for confusion later.

One thing I learned: you don’t have to win every argument to be a good parent. Sometimes getting the conversation back to your child’s needs is far more productive than proving who’s right.

Of course, direct communication isn’t always appropriate. If there’s domestic abuse, coercive control, threats or other safeguarding concerns, don’t put yourself or your child at risk trying to negotiate. Get appropriate professional advice instead.

2. Consider family mediation

If you can’t agree between yourselves, family mediation may be an option. A trained, independent mediator helps separated parents discuss arrangements for their children and explore possible solutions. They’re not there to decide who’s right or wrong, and mediation isn’t relationship counselling. The aim is to see whether you can reach an agreement without going through contested court proceedings.

You may not even need to sit in the same room as your ex-partner. Depending on the circumstances, mediation can take place separately or remotely.

Before many family court applications, you’ll normally need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM), unless an exemption applies. A MIAM helps establish whether mediation is suitable. It doesn’t mean you’re being forced to agree with your ex.

There is also a government Family Mediation Voucher Scheme, which can contribute up to £500 towards eligible mediation sessions.

Mediation isn’t appropriate for every family, particularly where there are safety concerns or domestic abuse. A qualified mediator can help assess suitability.

3. What if mediation doesn’t work?

If you still can’t agree about seeing your child, you may be able to apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order. This is the legal term used in England and Wales for an order dealing with arrangements such as:

• Where your child lives.
• When they spend time with each parent.
• Other forms of contact, including telephone or video calls.

People often search for child custody, child access or contact rights, but Child Arrangements Order is the terminology you’ll generally encounter in the family court process. Applications are commonly made using Form C100. The court considers your child’s welfare and individual circumstances when deciding what arrangements are appropriate.

And this is important. There isn’t an automatic right to 50/50 shared care. I eventually secured that arrangement for my son, but every family is different. What matters is finding arrangements that are safe and in the child’s best interests. If you’re considering an application, take time to understand the process and get legal advice where appropriate.

4. What if there’s already a court order?

This is an important distinction. If you already have a Child Arrangements Order and your ex-partner isn’t following it, the options are different from those available when no order exists. You may be able to apply to the court to enforce the existing order, commonly using Form C79. The court will consider what’s happened, why the arrangements haven’t been followed and whether enforcement or a change to the order is appropriate.

An existing order doesn’t mean every disagreement automatically results in enforcement action. The circumstances and your child’s welfare still matter.

If an order is no longer suitable, you may need advice about applying to change it rather than enforce it. Don’t assume the same application is right for every situation.

5. What if there are safeguarding concerns?

I want to be absolutely clear about something. Children’s safety comes first. Always. There are circumstances where contact needs to be restricted, supervised or stopped to protect a child. Domestic abuse, coercive control, neglect and other risks must be taken seriously.

If allegations have been made, or you’re concerned about your child’s safety, get specialist legal advice before deciding what to do next. The family court can investigate safeguarding concerns and make arrangements designed to protect children. And please don’t assume that an allegation can simply be ignored because you disagree with it.

Equally, if you’re facing allegations you dispute, understanding the proper legal process is important. These situations can be complicated, and a general online guide cannot tell you what the court will decide. If you or your child are in immediate danger, contact the emergency services.

6. Do I need a solicitor?

Not every parent uses a solicitor throughout family court proceedings. I eventually represented myself, and I spent an enormous amount of time trying to understand the Children Act 1989, court procedures, evidence and the applications involved. But please don’t take that as me suggesting everyone should do the same. Good legal advice can be invaluable.

I’d particularly encourage you to seek professional advice if there are safeguarding concerns, allegations of abuse, complicated existing orders, urgent applications or uncertainty about your legal position. Depending on your circumstances, you may also qualify for legal aid or help with court fees. Even if you’re planning to represent yourself, getting advice about your options can make a real difference.

7. What should I do right now?

If you’ve been stopped from seeing your child and you’re feeling completely overwhelmed, here’s where I’d start.

• Get organised. Keep a clear, factual record of important communications, proposed arrangements and relevant events. Don’t turn it into a running diary of everything your ex has ever done wrong.
• Understand your options. Find out whether mediation is suitable, whether an existing order applies and what the court process involves.
• Get proper advice. Particularly if you’re unsure about safeguarding, parental responsibility or which application you might need.
• Look after yourself. Speak to people you trust. Separation and losing contact with your children can take an enormous emotional toll.

And above all, try to keep your child’s wellbeing at the centre of your decisions. I know that’s easier said than done. There were plenty of times I didn’t get it right myself.

But eventually, I realised that getting angry at everything wasn’t helping me move forward. Understanding the process, preparing properly and focusing on what I could control made a huge difference.

You’re not alone in this

If you’ve found this page because you’ve just searched “my ex won’t let me see my child”, there’s a good chance you’re having a pretty horrible time. I know how that feels. But please don’t assume there’s nothing you can do, or that every situation has to end in an enormous court battle. There are options. There are people who can help. And there are ways to approach things more calmly and with better information.

That’s why I started K.I.D.S. (Keeping Involvement During Separation). To help parents understand their options, find useful information and hopefully feel a little less alone.

I’m not promising answers to every problem. I certainly haven’t got them. But if sharing what I’ve learned helps another parent make a better-informed decision for their child, it’s worth doing.

Because separation shouldn’t mean the unnecessary loss of a safe, loving parent-child relationship. Children first. Strategy over emotion.

Official information and support

For further information, please refer to:

• GOV.UK: Making child arrangements if you divorce or separate
• GOV.UK: Family Mediation Voucher Scheme
• HM Courts & Tribunals Service: Form C100 and guidance
• HM Courts & Tribunals Service: Enforcing an existing order and Form C79
• Cafcass: Information for parents and carers in England
• Cafcass Cymru: Information about family separation in Wales
• Citizens Advice: Making child arrangements (England; Wales guidance available on the site)
• Samaritans: Emotional support if you’re struggling to cope

Important information

This guide provides general information about child arrangements in England and Wales. It reflects personal experience alongside publicly available guidance and is not a substitute for independent legal advice.

Family circumstances vary considerably. Safeguarding concerns, domestic abuse, existing court orders and other legal issues can affect the options available.

K.I.D.S. does not provide legal representation or regulated legal advice. Please consult a qualified family law professional about your individual circumstances.

David Walsh is a parent sharing his personal experience, research and opinions. He is not a qualified solicitor, legal adviser or mental health professional. K.I.D.S. does not provide counselling or clinical treatment. This is general information, not advice tailored to individual circumstances. Seek appropriately qualified professional advice about legal matters, safeguarding or mental health as needed. Information can change, so check current official guidance.

Read our guides to representing yourself in family court and coping when you can’t see your children, find more family court and safeguarding resources, read David’s story or get in touch.