Coping when you can’t see your children

1. First of all, it’s okay to admit you’re struggling

When I say those six months nearly broke me, I mean it. My mental health took an absolute battering. There were days when I struggled to concentrate on anything. Days when the frustration felt overwhelming. And some very dark moments when I genuinely questioned whether I wanted to be here anymore.

I’ve spoken openly about that because I don’t think we should pretend these feelings don’t exist. I never acted on those thoughts, and I was fortunate to have people around me who helped enormously. But looking back, I also recognise how important professional support can be.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, angry or completely lost because you’re not seeing your children, please don’t feel embarrassed about telling someone. You might be struggling to sleep, finding it difficult to work or constantly replaying conversations and events in your head.

Stress can affect people emotionally, physically and behaviourally, and prolonged stress can make everyday life much harder. That doesn’t mean everyone going through separation will experience the same thing. But if it’s affecting you, it deserves to be taken seriously.

You matter too. Not just as a parent, but as a person. And if you’re having thoughts about suicide or harming yourself, please seek support now rather than waiting for things to get worse. You’ll find urgent support information below.

2. Talk to someone. Please.

One of the biggest things that helped me was having good people around me. Friends who checked in. People who listened. People who didn’t necessarily have the answers but were prepared to sit with me while I tried to make sense of everything. And my dad.

My biggest hero. He helped me no end throughout the whole experience, and I don’t think he’ll ever fully appreciate how much that meant. Sometimes it wasn’t some incredible piece of advice.

It was just having someone there. Someone who’d listen when I was having a particularly difficult day, remind me what mattered and tell me to keep going. If you’re struggling, think about who you could speak to.

A mate. Your mum or dad. A brother or sister. Someone at work. Your GP. You don’t have to explain every detail of your separation or family court proceedings. Sometimes simply saying, “I’m having a really difficult time and could do with a chat,” is enough to start.

And if you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know, there are confidential support services available. Please use them.

3. Try not to let the situation consume every waking hour

This was something I found incredibly difficult. When you’re not seeing your child, it can become the only thing you think about. You wake up thinking about it. You spend the day going over what’s happened. You check your phone, read messages, search for answers and wonder what you could have done differently.

Then you go to bed and start the whole bloody thing again. At least, that’s how it felt for me. I spent countless hours researching family law, reading other parents’ experiences and trying to understand the process.

Some of that was genuinely useful. Some of it probably wasn’t helping my head at all. I found myself going down endless online rabbit holes, reading heartbreaking stories and getting increasingly frustrated.

Eventually, I realised I needed to give myself some breathing space. That didn’t mean caring less about my son. It meant recognising that I couldn’t spend every minute of every day consumed by the situation.

If you’re finding yourself doing something similar, it may help to set aside specific time for dealing with practical matters. Read the important documents. Prepare what you need to prepare. Get appropriate advice. But try to give yourself permission to step away from it too.

Go for a walk. See a friend. Watch the football. Do something you normally enjoy, even if you don’t particularly feel like it. You aren’t letting your child down by looking after yourself.

4. Focus on what you can control

This was probably one of the biggest changes in how I approached my own situation. For a long time, I was reacting emotionally to almost everything. Another disagreement. Another message. Another setback.

And believe me, there were times I wanted to scream at the whole bloody system. But eventually, I realised that getting angry wasn’t necessarily helping me make better decisions. I couldn’t control everything that happened.

I could, however, work on how I responded. For me, that meant getting organised, understanding the family court process and trying to approach things more calmly. It also meant being honest about my own mistakes.

Because I made them. I don’t think anyone comes through a difficult relationship breakdown having handled absolutely everything perfectly. And sometimes it’s easier to concentrate on what the other person has done wrong than to look at our own behaviour.

I’m not suggesting you should accept blame for things you haven’t done, tolerate abuse or ignore genuine safeguarding concerns. Not remotely. But where it’s safe and appropriate, trying to communicate calmly, avoiding unnecessary arguments and getting proper advice can be more useful than reacting in anger.

You don’t have to win every argument to be a good parent. That was something I had to learn myself.

5. Look after the basics, even when you don’t feel like it

I know this sounds ridiculously obvious. And when you’re going through something as difficult as separation from your children, being told to get some fresh air probably isn’t what you want to hear. But the basics do matter.

Stress can affect sleep, appetite, concentration and physical health. And when you’re exhausted, everything can feel even harder to deal with. You don’t need to suddenly become a fitness fanatic or start getting up at 5am for ice baths and motivational podcasts.

Bloody hell, you’ve probably got enough going on. 😂 But a few manageable things may help:

• Try to maintain a reasonably regular sleep routine.
• Eat proper meals, even when your appetite isn’t great.
• Get outside or do some physical activity if you’re able.
• Keep in touch with people rather than isolating yourself.
• Be mindful of relying on alcohol or other substances to cope.
• Take breaks from social media and online discussions that leave you feeling worse.

None of these things will resolve a difficult family situation. They’re not supposed to. They’re simply ways of looking after yourself while you’re dealing with it.

And if your mental health is affecting your ability to function day to day, speak to your GP or another qualified professional.

6. Be careful where you look for support online

When I was going through my own experience, I joined groups, read forums and searched for almost anything that might help me understand what was happening. Some of the people I came across were brilliant. People who’d been through similar experiences and genuinely wanted to help.

Others were understandably angry, frustrated or deeply hurt by what had happened to them. And sometimes those conversations became incredibly negative. I get it.

When you’re hurting, it’s natural to look for people who understand. But I’d encourage you to be careful about spending too much time in online spaces that leave you feeling more hopeless, angry or frightened. Every family situation is different.

You rarely know the full circumstances behind someone else’s story, particularly when you’re reading one side of a complicated separation. And somebody else’s experience isn’t necessarily a prediction of what will happen to you. Try to find communities that encourage sensible discussion, reliable information and appropriate professional support.

That’s exactly the sort of environment I want K.I.D.S. to help create. Somewhere parents can talk without every conversation turning into another battle.

7. What if you’re worried about your mental health?

Please don’t wait until you’re at breaking point before asking for help. If you’re experiencing persistent anxiety, low mood, hopelessness, difficulty sleeping or struggling to manage everyday life, consider speaking to your GP. They can help assess what’s happening and discuss appropriate support or treatment.

In England, you may also be able to refer yourself directly to NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression without first seeing a GP. In Wales, your GP or NHS Wales services can help you find appropriate mental health support. And if you’re having thoughts about suicide or feel unable to keep yourself safe, seek urgent help.

I know that can be difficult. I know people sometimes worry about what others will think. But asking for professional help isn’t something to be embarrassed about.

I’ve had friends who, sadly, have taken their own lives. And losing people like that stays with you. I’m not suggesting their circumstances were the same as mine, or that separation alone explains why someone experiences suicidal thoughts.

Mental health is far more complicated than that. But I do know how frightening those dark moments can feel. And I wouldn’t want anyone reading this to think they have to face them alone.

Where to get help

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E. If you need urgent mental health support but there’s no immediate danger:

• England: Call NHS 111 and select the mental health option.
• Wales: Call NHS 111 and press option 2 for urgent mental health support.
• Samaritans: Call 116 123, free, any time of day or night, if you need someone to talk to.
• Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258 for free, confidential text-based crisis support.
• Your GP: Contact your GP for advice about ongoing mental health difficulties, treatment and appropriate referrals.

You don’t need to be at the point of crisis to ask for help. And you don’t have to wait until things become unbearable.

8. Remember that your child is more than the situation you’re going through

This is something I want to finish on. When you’re caught up in separation, court proceedings or disagreements about contact, it’s very easy for everything to become about the dispute. The messages. The evidence. The applications. The next hearing.

And sometimes the most important person in the whole situation gets lost amongst it all. Your child. They’re not a court case.

They’re not a prize to be won. They’re a little person who deserves to feel safe, loved and supported. If you’re able to maintain contact safely, even in a limited way, try to make that time about them rather than the disagreements between adults.

Where appropriate and permitted, that might mean a telephone call, a video chat or another arrangement that’s been agreed or authorised. Don’t pressure your child to take sides, carry messages or explain what another parent is doing. And if contact isn’t currently possible, get appropriate advice about your options rather than taking matters into your own hands.

I know how desperately you might want to see them. Believe me. But the decisions you make now should be guided by their welfare and safety, not simply by how frustrated or hurt you’re feeling.

One last thing from me

I went six months without seeing my son. Six months that felt like a lifetime. And I know there are parents who’ve experienced considerably longer periods of separation.

Some are still going through it now. I don’t know your circumstances, and I’m not going to pretend I know exactly how you’re feeling or promise you that everything will work out. But I do want you to know that struggling doesn’t make you a bad parent.

And asking for help doesn’t make you weak. I was fortunate to have people around me when I needed them. That’s one of the biggest reasons I started K.I.D.S.

I want parents to have somewhere they can find useful information, talk to people who understand and hopefully feel a little less alone. Mums and dads. Because this isn’t about taking sides.

KIDS. Not sides. And if there’s one thing I’d encourage you to do today, it’s this. Don’t try to carry everything on your own.

Speak to someone. Look after yourself. Get proper advice when you need it.

And keep your child’s wellbeing at the centre of whatever happens next. Because children deserve to laugh, play, make memories and enjoy being children. Not spend their childhood caught in the middle of adult disagreements.

Children first. Strategy over emotion.

Further information and support

• NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
• NHS 111 Wales: Urgent mental health support
• NHS: Talking therapies for anxiety and depression in England
• Samaritans: Contact a Samaritan
• Shout: Free confidential text support

Important information

This guide combines David’s personal experience with general information about emotional wellbeing and support services.

It is not medical, psychological or legal advice and should not replace support from qualified professionals.

K.I.D.S. does not provide mental health treatment, crisis intervention, legal representation or regulated legal advice.

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please use the urgent support services listed above.

David Walsh is a parent sharing his personal experience, research and opinions. He is not a qualified solicitor, legal adviser or mental health professional. K.I.D.S. does not provide counselling or clinical treatment. This is general information, not advice tailored to individual circumstances. Seek appropriately qualified professional advice about legal matters, safeguarding or mental health as needed. Information can change, so check current official guidance.

Read our guides to child contact after separation and representing yourself in family court, explore the Resources hub or read David’s story.